Harlequin
by Dramaphile
Summary: Scully's love life reads like a romance novel
1. Default Chapter

Title: Harlequin  
Author: DramaPhile Dramaphileme@aol.com  
Rating: a strong PG-13,  
Spoilers: None, really, but let's say it takes place sometime during season 7 but before Requiem (I refuse to acknowledge season 8 in my fic)  
Summary: Scully's love affair reads like a Romance novel...   
Keywords: MSR, H, mostly fluff  
Author's Notes: PLEASE READ: This is satire. I've been trying for weeks to write the perfect clichéd fic as my shot at Romance fic writers who continue to write fic with absolutely no regard for plot or characterization, just cheesed out romance. Before you flame me, I do admit to this offense occasionally, but let me get by for comedy's sake... pick out all the clichés I dare you...  
Disclaimer: Gets out her top hat and cane and starts to sing:  
Not mine, Not mine, Dammit leave me alone, they're not mine!  
*Large hook yanks her off the stage*  
  
Harlequin*  
By Drama  
  
Unable to hold in his passion any longer, Mulder burst into the door and swept Scully into his arms, her fiery hair glittering with the light from the fireplace. He kissed her madly, breathlessly, with all the passion he held inside of him and their two hearts beat as one.  
Her creamy white skin was like milk against the honey tan of his glistening bare chest, his muscles rippling in their embrace. They clutched each other in a crushing embrace, never wanting to separate from each other's arms.  
He pulled away, his mood ring hazel eyes golden with lust.  
"I love you, Scully!" He said breathlessly, his voice like honey over gravel.  
Scully's heart felt as if it would burst and her crystal blue eyes shone like stars.  
"I love you too, Mulder!"  
Their lips touched again in a suffocating kiss of 7 years of shared passion again.  
She gasped as he scooped her up into his strong arms tightly and he was surprised how light she was as he carried her to his bed.  
"Oh Mulder!" she cried, "You're the only one I ever wanted!" her voice husky with passion.  
"Oh, Scully!" he cried and then lowered his lips to her luscious neck, beeping loudly.  
  
Scully's alarm clock beeped again and she reached over groggily to turn it off.  
She shook off the last remnants of sleep and picked up the bodice-ripper Harlequin( romance novel that lay open on her night table.  
"Never again," she muttered as she tossed it into her trash can, "Never again."  
  
~FIN~  
  
I hope you found it mildly amusing... there's a sequel I haven't decided whether to type yet... let me know if you want it...  
Oh, btw,  
FEEDBACK POR FAVOR!!  
Oh, and Harlequin is a brand of cheesy bodice-ripper lonely housewife romance novels in case you didn't know (my mother reads them... lol)  



	2. Bodice-Ripper

Title: Bodice Ripper (harlequin part two)  
Author: DramaPhile Dramaphileme@aol.com  
Rating: a strong PG-13,  
Spoilers: None, really, but let's say it takes place sometime during season 7 but before Requiem (I refuse to acknowledge season 8 in my fic)  
Summary: Mulder finds Scully's romance novel   
Keywords: MSR, H, mostly fluff  
Author's Notes: This is the sequel to Harlequin and one again, also satire. I hope you enjoy my take on Mulder's romance novel imagination...  
Disclaimer: I told you already, they're not mine, damnit!! Sue me and all you'll get is every xfiles book ever published and about 20 wire-bound notebooks of unfinished fic...  
  
Bodice-Ripper  
By DramaPhile  
  
Scully had just poured the cereal on her Special K when Mulder burst through the door.  
"There's no time to waste, Scully, we've wanted this for so long!"  
The rabid look in his eyes said it all to her, it was time to stop denying it.  
  
It was time for another wild goose chase.  
"I'll get your overnight bag and toothbrush while you finish your breakfast."  
She panicked, he might see the novel in her trash can. He couldn't know she'd read such a trashy book, it was below her level, those books were written for lonely housewives, not FBI agents! But she'd indulged on a whim, and he might find out her secret. She couldn't stop him though because he'd know she was hiding something, she would just have to pray he wouldn't see it.  
Mulder headed into her bedroom and pulled her pre-packed overnight bag out of the closet. On his way to the bathroom, he noticed a paperback book impaled on the edge of Scully's wastebasket. Normally he wouldn't go picking through her trash, but he was drawn to the cover art.  
A buxom red head, in a cleavage-baring corset that was half undone, arching her back into a bare-chested man with dark hair and glistening tanned skin and a black mask over his eyes graced the paper book cover. The words "Savage Seduction" swirled in curly letters at the top of the page.  
A romance novel.  
Scully read romance novels!  
He stifled a laugh and grabbed her toothbrush and toothpaste.  
  
~X~  
  
Hours later, Scully was driving so Mulder could take a nap.  
She kept blushing whenever he looked at her, the memory of her dream fresh in her mind, but not he was asleep, and harmless for the time being.  
Mulder curled against the armrest in a fight to get comfortable when suddenly, the car stopped.  
She couldn't hold it in any longer.  
"Mulder, I want you now!" Scully cried breathlessly, and removed her shirt revealing a black leather corset and plenty of cleavage. Mulder was shocked, but not upset to say the least.  
"Scully, I've wanted you for so long!"  
Ignoring the stick shift completely, Scully pounced on him, kissing him with 7 long years of pent-up passion and love while removing his tie and unbuttoning his dress shirt.  
"I need you here, now!"  
The desperation in her voice matched her kisses as she deftly removed his shirt and was not straddling him.  
"Oh, Mulder I want you, Mulder, Mulder, MULDER!" She cried out for him.  
"Mulder! Wake up!" A loud voice broke through his haze of lust and he opened his eyes to a fully clothed and visibly annoyed Scully.  
"Mulder? We're at the hotel."  
"Oh!" Flustered, he sat up and looked out the window, avoiding Scully's glare.  
"The hotel."  
"Are we going to register or just sit in the car all night?"  
That didn't sound so bad to Mulder, but he had a feeling Scully thought otherwise.  
"Register, yeah."  
The blood was just starting to flow back into his brain from... other places.  
He got out and approached the front desk, Scully following him.  
"I need two rooms for the night."  
"I'm sorry sir, we only have one room available tonight, but it has a King-sized bed and a hot tub."  
King-sized bed... Hot tub... Mulder and Scully simultaneously blushed.  
"If that's all you have I guess we'll have to take it."  
"Sorry, but the sausage-making conference is tomorrow, so they've got us nearly booked up. Have you had the sausage around here? It's so big and juicy and..."  
"Can we just get our key?" Scully interrupted abruptly.  
The woman handed the key card to Scully and she ad Mulder headed up to check out the room as both tried with futility to banish the unpartnerly thoughts in their heads.  
  
~Fin~  
  
Is there to be a trilogy? Who knows? Perhaps if I can come up with a good idea for another harlequin story... heh heh. Hope I made you laugh!  



	3. Savage Seduction

Title: Savage Seduction (harlequin part three)  
Author: DramaPhile Dramaphileme@aol.com  
Rating: PG-13,  
Spoilers: None, really, but let's say it takes place sometime during season 7 but before Requiem (I refuse to acknowledge season 8 in my fic)  
Summary: after some... disturbing dreams, Mulder and Scully are forced to share a bed   
Keywords: MSR, H, mostly fluff  
Author's Notes: well, I did it, it's a trilogy and yes, this is the last fic and no I won't write more. It's in the spirit of the first two in the series and I hope just as, if not more amusing! It takes off where Bodice Ripper left off last...  
Disclaimer: oh for god's sake, just read the first two parts!!  
  
Savage Seduction  
By DramaPhile  
  
Scully opened the door to the hotel room and sighed with relief when she saw its contents. The bed was HUGE, definitely big enough for she and Mulder to sleep in without having to touch each other all night.   
Mulder too was secretly glad for the wide space he'd be able to put between Scully and himself.  
"I'm beat, let's turn in for the night."  
Mulder agreed and grabbed his bag and headed into the bathroom to change.   
Scully changed into her pajamas, silently wishing she had packed a long-sleeved, high-necked, ankle-length flannel nightgown instead of matching blue silk shorts and tank top.  
Mulder emerged in navy blue boxers and a grey t-shirt and they got into bed, neither looking at the other, each inching as close to their side of the bed as possible. Finally confident she was as far as humanly possible from Mulder, Scully drifted off into blissful slumber.  
At 3am, she awoke with a start after a particularly vivid dream about You Know Who and found herself in the center of the bed, practically on top of him. Somewhere in the course of the night, they had migrated towards each other and now were wrapped up in one another's arms.  
Mulder's eyes snapped open and they jumped apart, embarrassed. Scully sat up and Mulder followed suit.  
"Can't sleep?'  
Mulder nodded and flicked on the bedside lamp.  
"I had a weird dream."  
Scully perked up at this revelation.  
"Really? Me too."  
"What was yours about?"  
Scully froze, embarrassed to reveal her dream's content.  
"Oh, Nothing." She sounded about as natural as Formica.  
"Oh." Mulder was more than a little disappointed that she wouldn't tell.  
"Why? What was your about?  
"Oh, nothing."  
"Oh."  
They sat there in silence for a long moment until they simultaneously broke the silence.  
"Mulder I-" "Scully I-"  
The both froze.  
"You go first."  
"No, you can."  
"No, I insist you go."  
Scully finally relented.  
"I had a dream about you," she mumbled, barely audible.  
She couldn't understand Mulder's mumbled response.  
"What did you say?"  
"I said me too."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah."  
Silence played between them.  
"What happened in your dream, Scully?"  
Mulder could swear he saw her blush in the dim light.  
"Well... Ah..."  
"It's okay, you don't have to tell."  
Scully nodded and stared at her hands.  
"Mulder I have something to tell you."  
"Scully I have something to tell you."  
"You go first." They said at the same time and smiled at the inanity of it.  
They each took a deep breath and spoke from the heart.  
"I love you."  
Each was shocked by the other's revelation.  
"Oh, Mulder, I always dreamed that you and I could be together."  
"Scully, you don't know how happy you've made me."  
They stared into each other's eyes, blue meeting green, and leaned closer, sharing a kiss of 7 years of pent up passion.  
"I love you Mulder!" she whispered.  
"Oh, Scully! I love Billy Jean's not my lover, she's just a girl who claims that I was the one, but the kid is not my son!"   
  
Michael Jackson's voice blasted Chris Carter's left ear as he was jolted out of his disturbing dream.  
He looked over at his laptop and realized he's been on AOL all night, so he closed to fanfiction.net webpage he'd been at and shut down his computer.  
"Never again," he muttered as he plodded towards the bathroom, "Never again."  
  
~fin~  
  
11:35 pm, Friday, august 31, 2001  
My muse has got to change her office hours or I'm never going to get any sleep!  
  
  
Feedback, please! Hope you enjoyed the insanity!  
Oh, the lyrics to Billy Jean belong to Michael Jackson and his record company  



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